Saturday, 19 March 2011

At 7.51am debz decided to let some air out of her heart



 Ive been keeping it in which is probably the worst thing i could do but Ive been incredibly depressed. It's been this way for a long time and no matter what ive did to try and be positive its been very difficult. A lot of it has to do with the events in my family that are still not wise to talk about here just yet. Theirs also been a lot going on in my personal life and artistic life that ive kept in for a long time.

My sleep and eating is poor which never helps anyone and i feel really guilty about not working on more paintings or work. Everytime i sit down to do any of that tho i always almost burst into tears. I also feel guilty about not posting more comments and talking more to the people that care about me a lot on the internet and their inspiring work and writing.

In another time i used to be very open and naive of trusting of other people and would tell everyone anything cause i just liked connecting in that way. But for nearly the past two years ive stopped that a lot and also cause of the events.

I dont feel comfortable at home so much anymore im usually very ill and my mood is always dark. But this is because a lot of bad things happened here. I seem to only be happy when i visit friends which are sorta far away and cant be all the time. And i dont want the visits to make me ignore the problems because they cant make them just go away.

I am on my way to see a councilor tho which is good news but i really would like the bad stuff to go away. Im very tired of being sad and worried about everything all the time. I feel almost pathetic and lazy that not much has changed or helped me. Asking for help was very difficult for me because i dont like people carrying my problems. I understand to well people have their own problems and the last thing i want is a second worrying thought about myself.

Not doing art is hard for me or doing anything really, i dont even have the drive to go outside or get out of bed. I guess cause its easier when you feel stuck in a place where nothing seems bright anymore.
I understand the beauty and wonder of things in life but things have changed me so much that they do not move me im to numb for it just now.

I really want to get better im so tired of feeling lost...

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New story tape video

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Trying to be positive and bombarment of accessories and clothes



Ive been slowly working away on more paintings and projects. Ive began going back to collage and other medias I've not used for a while and miss dearly. Ive started sketching a lot more again as
well and scribbling ideas down, ive not did this for a while either. Even if my own art doesn't give me the same drive it once did i still cant help but have the drive to do it.


I managed to find this quite a while ago in a charity shop for about £2.50 ish when online it costs about £20 and they don't make them anymore. Ive always loved and wanted little gadgets like this for the pure reward of seeing my work made into a product. Its somehow a nice feeling even if its small and probably does'nt seem much. 



And lucky me managed to get a sticker machine in January at a charity shop for about the same price what a nice find it was for me for the same reasons.




A first attempt not the best but would like to explore it more. I wanted to make these pretty things and put them in my Esty shop which i keep delaying on. Im afraid no one would want them tho even tho i should just take the plunge and get over myself and self doubt that plagues me. Its horrid, i have very bad self esteam yet i meet super nice ppl espeically other girls lately. Who say such lovely things about my character and fashion sense which i didnt think i had much of.

OH YEAH!?!


I did another video for my story tapes! This time is Jack and the beanstalk i hope you like it!


A while ago and more recently i bought some pretty things for myself aswell, im not a very materialistic person i appreciate things but i usually dont have much desire to possess them. Im a weird girl lol like i tend not to splurge on clothes and jewellery much even if i find it beautiful. I only do this randomly with lots of space in between.
I did start a look book tho but have been neglecting it, but i guess i could show what i got recently since i notice a lot of Bloggers do this. Guess it might make my blog more interesting instead of the self loathing and artistic blogs i do that no one seems to really enjoy.

Some of these things are from months ago and some are just the other week, i dont spend very much money at all. I have a lot of problems with money aswell and thats got a lot to do with the family matters im not ready to discuss yet. But i hope you enjoy these just the same.

Ive decided to start collecting Beatrix Potter memorabilia since i seem to find a lot of it where ever i go.

This plate was given to me recently it cheered me up.


Its a wooden game of knots and crosses with Potter characters you turn the blocks over to choose your character to play.


I also found this really old story book thats susposed to be an exact copy of the oringal including images,text, layout etc. The book is dated to the year i was born so its 22 years old, thought it was a little sign to get it.

Getting away from Miss Potter i also found this on the same day. Im not sure if it is a real Coco bag or not ive did everything i can think of to check if it is real or a fake. And from what ive found if it is a fake its a very very good one. The only thing that i know is not right is the handle and it seems its been replaced by a home made one to sell in the store. I think i would feel guilty wearing it if it is indeed a fake cause a lot of work does go into making clothes and accessories. If anyone could tell me if it is or isnt i would be very grateful.


I got all of these things apart from the gift at a charity shop for really cheap i thought they were all so lovely.

Im not one for accessories so much when it comes to clothes or treating myself all that much but i did a while ago with some of these. They were also on sale or very cheap which made me feel a little better and not as guilty on splurging.


I got this necklace its not something i usually wear but i thought it was quite pretty and it has ribbon to tie it on instead of a chain. Ive been trying to feel better about myself since ive been pretty unhappy for quite a while i thought maybe some different pretty things would help. Even if their not usual style or taste.

I got this belt to go with a new dress i got at the same time, maybe ill show it here sometime.


Brogues for the win.


Some nice belts that came part of a set i got these the other day.


My mum got these for me while i was visiting friends last week I usually only wear nail varnish on my toes and clear stuff on my hands to just make them shiney. My mums nice that way she will randomly get me little things for me or others in my family.


Pretty hair clips i really dont know what to do with my hair just now, its getting longer and cant decide on a new cut.



Some tops.


And pretty fun shorts.

Sorry if it seems im a image conscious and stuck up girl from all of these clothes and accesories im always afraid people would think that of me. ;n;


Ive been getting into cooking a lot more to and got this little cooking organiser a couple of months ago its just what i needed.


I also got this ink stamp as a lucky find ive been finding it hard to get normal letter stamps that arent expensive since last year. Ill have to try this out soon.


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Thats most of my things i guess pictures are better than reading mountains of text.


Also happy belated pancake day my poodle socks say hi.

I made scones with friends aswell.

Heres a pokemon ball!


And a badly forever alone, forever a scone.

Ive also been thinking about maybe trying for Uni since job searching is not going so well.
I have been looking at different art courses but bad experience with education makes me uneasy. Also that im pretty messed up right now to do much of anything. Im planning on phoning another Councilor tomorrow i hope it goes well.

Waaaah sorry this entry is so long, this is only some of the things that have been happening. TnT

Thursday, 10 March 2011

A reply to S-Jin blog post on our futures and digtal art and sharing some past pain


Hey everyone im planning to do a super positive post on nice things and what ive been up to real soon cause theirs been a lot. This was a comment meant for S-Jins Latest blog post but i felt it needed to be put up to share as a propper post. I do hope you will find enlightment and maybe even relate to what ive went through with art and education.


It is 3.17am and i guess i needed to say things even if their in my head and on a screen.

(Edvard Munch)

"Oh my Sunny it’s amazing how much we think the same as artists and our futures as them.

I’ve sadly had the same experiences with school in what kind of work I was doing in certain subjects. At first I was a purely digital artist mainly apart from drawing in pens and pencil characters/stories etc. to be scanned in Photoshop.

I even did animation and countless characters and stories and sometimes silly videos.
I drew really cartoony creatures and anime-ish characters all through high school but I still made little stories and comics. I didn’t think about my future at all back then I just liked to draw and make things it was simple.

I went to college on a whim not even thinking about what an outcome would be. That when I started more traditional art and learned life drawing and media. I didn’t think about it though I just did what I wanted and handed in my work on time.

I applied for illustration at the end of the year though I was really upset to find that I didn’t get in. I got told I didn’t get in because their wasn’t enough places for me, yet the fine art class the year after was bursting with students and had no room or even table space for all the students in a tiny room. While the illustration classes had plenty of room and less students and enough tables.

It made me wonder why I worked so hard to be told lots of lies at even media that was my first time trying. The teachers praised me all year which I’m too modest to admit to most.

And even said I was to get merit for my work. Yet I got no merit and at the end of the year was told half my work was terrible and found out the teachers had been talking about me in bad terms amongst each other because I was a little annoyed about changing a poster cause a teacher wanted me to.

I was very upset when they told me this that I ended up ripping up the piece in front of them that they said was terrible and better off in the trash.

They were shocked by my behaviour and ended up saying sorry for what they said and that there must be other things in my life that made me act that way. Art is my life in so many ways and they made me feel embarrassed for that.

A few days later I ended up doing a huge mixed media piece of how I felt about, feeling like a failure, depressed, misunderstood and betrayed. It’s still in my room in a dark corner ill post it one day maybe it will help others when they have dark feelings.

Were not failures because we keep trying and that in it should be enough.

I went to that college for another year to do a course that was exactly the same as the one I did but it was just slightly harder. I always got bad marks for my work but probably because after that I got very numb and uncomfortable in the building after that.

And another college for two years which I did learn more in certain areas but some teachers were the same. I only went for the course so I could learn Dreamweaver and html. Was my 4rth year of still life and life drawing classes which.

I didn’t enjoy doing any work anymore even though I push myself to do it always and hand it all in on time. I don’t eat or sleep just so I can get the work done. It was just really disheartens to never get good marks yet to be told you were good enough at the same time.

It’s made me enjoy my art less and I find myself worrying more about my arts future more than actually concentrating on now. I learned new media and techniques from the classes but I can’t help but feel I could have done that on my own. I’ve also learned that a lot of teachers will ruin you as an artist, not that their all bad.

But I don’t get why I had one teacher who gave me A's for all my work at one point and respected me as a person and friend. And also moved me up to a higher class and not out of pity but cause they genially thought I had a talent and earned it.

Yet most of all other teachers gave me really low marks for working even harder than I should have for them. And treated me like I was an idiot and put me in all the lowest art classes.

But I’m sorry I’ve rambled too much now.

But yes doing digital art isn’t a bad thing at all I’ve been the opposite and went from digital to traditional but I’ve gone back to digital and now do both.

Putting digital and traditional together as an artist is a really powerful mix. We all live in the digital age and using those types of tools is very valuable but so is drawing in our rooms. Really late at night when it’s quiet and when we think a picture or an idea we did won’t make a difference.

It does make a difference though because you the artist had the drive and power to do it. There are only a few rare people in the world that can do that but theirs numerous people who can’t.

Everything I’ve went through even if it’s been really hard and very negative I know that I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now and what I know now. Just like your lecturer but it’s just a shame that I’m a lot more unhappy now.

I feel reality of my work all too much to make it as an artist just the same as we all must do. But we all know at the end of the day we can do it and one day it will all come together. It’s just the waiting takes time cause we are still learning even if were unsure.
I do hope that you enjoy digital Sunny. <3"

And for everyone else that needs this i hope it helped you.

Love
Deborah


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