Saturday, 24 April 2010

Rosy Cheeks

~I dont know...what happened...~

~I would run along the river bank and catch frogs, tagpoles, and the tiniest of fishes in my hope jars~

~The big fish that no one ever saw only hear would splash in the water when i would walk along the bridge~

~I would lightly step on the cobble road up to the cosy cottage between the trees~

~The smell of the earth, dogs and the wet stones enriched a childs senses just as much as a child dreams~

~We would sit on the softest of rugs in the warmest of rooms and listen to your soft voice and the dim clatter of tea cups~

~Pixie would jump up and be excited and i would pet her fur that was like a dandelion~

~Buster would sit in the chair, his chair, and would growl at everyone if you got near the chair, his son was beautiful and kept us happy for many years~

~The trampoline under the apple tree would be covered in fruit and would jump with me in delight~

~I would visit the young ones who would make tiny yelps and wriggles against my feet with ocean sized plates filled with mixed sweet milk~

~It was bliss, it was unreal, it was like all a dream that i took for granted as a child would~

~You gave us presents and friends that we will always treasure, im sorry i did'nt do much or enough~

~You make me feel beautiful and young again and that how much of me is because of you~

~I still remember the day i got the news like it happened a second ago, it just got worse from there somehow~

~I still wear pretty girl dresses and feel small like a doll to everything, it did'nt matter that my hips got wider or that i got taller and thin like a tree~

~I still remember everything and always will no matter what, where, who, see, hear, feel, taste, smell, sense, in life as me~

...I just read what i wrote and wept...

(i wrote this last year about a time and place i cant have back)

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Spring is here and so is love

Spring is finally here and it is a joy to finally wake up like a sleepy cat in mornings as i bathe in the sun, it is a joy to see so much lush colors in a passing glance, and it is a joy to hear the birds sing and find tiny treasures such as ladybirds or ladybugs.

I found this little guy in my garden a few days ago it made me so giddy and excited, ladybirds were a big part of my childhood. I used to run along the small path at my house to a collection of bushes that was filled with them. I would sit and play with them and let them crawl all over me and give them names and believed the old myth that how many spots they have thats how old they were.

It was a really simple and happy time and i cant help but always feel like that again when i find ladybirds, its been a long time since ive found any.

I mandaged to go shopping recently and have a good time, i got some new art materials and took pictures of a square were doing a college project on. Ive been slowly trying to work on homework and sketchbook work, its been hard since theirs been such good vibes this week.

Ive found that i always forget how old i am, i do so many things that most people dont do my age, I am 21. Yet I still cuddle giant toy elephants in toy stores, i still run with my arms outstretched in grass, i still explore and find little treasures to keep, and i find happiness in such simple things. I used to be so frightened of getting older and feeling time pass through my fingers but now i know that it does'nt make any difference to me as a person.

I had dragon fruit recently it was very yummy. It has the texture of a kiwi fruit and the consistentcy of water melon.

Me and my friends have had a wonderful couple of days we really have the smiles, laughter, secrets and sharing that have happened has been a beautiful overload. We went to edinburgh and spent the whole day walking and laughing in the sun of the gorgeous old city. We got lunch and sat in the huge park that had daffodils everywhere and i found another ladybug.

We visited art galleries that had art by children and the old masters. Their was a singing choir in one of the galleries i found that to be a wonderful find. We sat in cosy chairs and watched a lady cry near by, I send her love.

We then went to a ghost tour in the vaults of Edinburgh which was interesting and also fun. We would walk about in dark rooms with equipment to apparently detect ghosts and the group we were with was nice. We then shared pizza and many stories and i listened intently to american accents at the next table which make me blush and gush.

We got the train back to mine and they stayed over night and we were very lazy and sleepy from a day in the sun so we tried automatic writing in the dark which made us all edgey. For hours we were a human spagetti on my bed as we talked and dozed in and out of sleep. It was wonderful to be able to lay next to people and share things and be comfortable with them. It makes me wish the world was more like that, i dont know why people are so afraid to be nice or to share in a non akward way. It would make everything so much better.

I did wake up the next morning feeling very ill tho, i ended up being sick but i felt a lot better after it was over. I got up and made the guys breakfast and we looked out the window to the new sunny day and birds, we had a pillow fight and talked.
Because it was sunny we ended up going on a walk in the woods and having a picnic. It was incredible it really was to do such things as running and rolling in the grass, exploring, watching bumble bees and bits of nature blow in the wind.

These are my friends and i adore them so much.

We found an old burnt car that was in the middle of the woods.

We ran and jumped and climbed on each other as the camera had a timer on it.

What a golden afternoon it was wonderful.

I had 2 hours sleep in 42 hours i was exhausted but in a good way i felt more exhausted from being happy if there was such a thing. I went to bed eventually smelling of nature.

The next day we all met up again to stay over at one of their houses and go to a birthday pary that was nearby. It was a good party i met and talked to lots of random people and even danced with some, they wont remember me cause of booze and such but it was still nice to share. Ive been called the crazy dancing girl that no one know, i like to make a name for myself in the weirdest of ways.

One of my friends got sick because he drank to much but we looked after him and made sure he was alright. We spent the lots of time in the bathroom and comfy carpet corridor at the friends house while making sure we were both alright. It was a lovely experience dispite being sick and feeling terrible, this is what friendship and love is all about. It was a crazy night and morning but i could'nt help but feel giddy and amazing from the past couple of days in awe.

I feel good to be alive, a few years ago i might of not said that if you knew me well, it feels epic to be wanted to be around and be happy and share with people you care about in a non akward or uncomfortable way.

It is a whirlwind of pure bliss, even if your very sore, it does'nt matter anymore, living in the moment matters...god im so happy.


Friday, 2 April 2010

Theirs tiny forests on my arms

Its Easter break for us in college now, off for two weeks which is pretty nice just wish it was'nt as cold outside. I may do an easter egg hunt for my nieces like a i did a couple of years ago but we will see.

I saw a giant peter rabbit toy in a store the other day, he was the softest of softs and their was Jeminia puddle duck one aswell it was wonderful. I probably should of bought them.

My house has been full of angry stares and loud noises the past couple of weeks because of people being arrogant and silly over nothing. I do have a lot of conflict in my family at times more than i care to let out or show to others.

Ive found that my heart races when people in my family argue or theirs a dark atmosphere, i actually have panic attacks very easily. Ive had awful ones this year and its made me worried that my heart might give up sometime soon, its been through alot the poor little beating creature. Even a teacher that bullied me in one of my classes would make me panic and get tummy ache before their class every morning. It was horrible, they stressed me out that much i would get very ill. Ive found that it was their class because after their class stopped i did'nt get ill or have much panic attacks again.

I have fallen in love with the new album "Evelyn Evelyn" its a wonderful piece of art that brings back true talent and story telling. It is about two conjoined twins and their live and struggles of being attatched to one another. It was created by the magnificant Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley.

I saw Miss Palmer and Mr Webley at a show in King Tuts wa wa hut in 2008 in Glasgow, i saw Jason after the show at the bar but i was to shy to go up and tell him how much i enjoyed his work. I had the pleasure of meeting Amanda at Comic Con last year, ive never been so nervous and happy at the same time in my whole life. I was a bucket of Lame as i got her to sign the book she created and hugged her. After it i was speachless, i just made weird squeeing noises for about 20 mins and was shaking.

Just never thought i would meet someone like that in my whole was..just..cant explain it..

Ive been a fan of her since i was 14 and im now 21 and have been listening to her work and others she works with since then and will probably continue to. She got me into singing on my own as a joyful hobby and in the future to learn how to play the piano.

Ive also fallen in love with Cocorosie, as strange as they are, i find myself humming their tunes in my head and while i work when i dont think of anything else. Their lovely and i wonder why ive not listened to them till now.

I have been painting and working on things here and there, maybe ill post them soon still a little uncertain of myself.

I mean i did post my sound stuff and sound installtion on my art blog and new photography on my photography account but yeahs...

This is one of my outfits i wear these days, hello french riviera.

I got a cheap lacy dress, it's ever so soft and sweet.

My mum got these as part of gifts my lovelys mum got for her at christmas time, she is unsure of what to use them for. I think their darling so i feel i will use them wisely. A card and envelope set and a tiny photo album.

I should say happy birthday to my phone, ive had my phone for like maybe 5 years or so and its never let me down or broke on me. Oh the secrets and love and hate that have been whipsered on its screen and sound gaps over the years. Happy birthday oldie phone.

I guess the next step is to post some new paintings, well see...
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